"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex...
It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."
I'm going to use this
Albert Einstein quote to make a point about
Raising Adolescence:
There are a lot of things that we can do to help our kids. It takes a special effort, an Un-Effort, even, to help our kids learn to help themselves.
I'm (professionally and parentally) convinced that ownership is a (
the?) key component to learning. The formula for real learning has elements of motivation, opportunity and consistency. But none of it matters, in my opinion, if one doesn't
own it.
Ownership can be in the form of
responsibility,
decision or, ideally,
passion. But without ownership, there is no lifelong, deep, anchoring, real
learning.
I've had to fight the cynicism to get to the pragmatism involved in what I do in my day job; Teaching kids to "play the game of school". This philosophical shift was borne from my own responsibilities, decisions, goals and ownership. Fortunately, I was given the time and space to own much of my program's scope.
Responsibilities:
I have responsibilities in my life. As a teacher, I have agreed to uphold the policies and procedures of an institution and, to a degree, its culture. The basic institutional agreements are easy to follow: Be on time, attend meetings, support (at least do not undermine) the school's initiatives and facilities.
Easy. I am a team player and have no problem understanding my place in the hierarchy.
The hierarchy exists in order to provide consistency and predictability via infrastructure, chain of command, etc. All good for the institution and the individual stake holders (parents, kids, teachers, custodians, etc.).
As a parent, I have responsibilities as well. Maslow and nature has made it pretty clear:
Food, water, shelter
Beyond this nucleus of responsibility there are options: Curfew, allowance, diet, family time, computer usage, etc.
These are not at the base of Maslow's pyramid. In fact, I'm pretty sure that, as a parent, they don't exist in the ladder of our children's self-actualization at all.
I have gone into financial, emotional and moral debt over the things I've supported and subscribed to in the spirit of the kind of parenting I believed in.
I am not a
Tiger Mom, I'm not
French and I don't know how to
helicopter.
I'm also not a single parent. I have to make parenting choices with another living and breathing adult, with her own hopes and fears and philosophies and metaphors for parenting.
If I had to, personnally, pick a way to parent it would be more
Jungle Book than
Mary Poppins.
But, alas, I chose the middle ground -
squish like grape?
Neither completely Baloo (
The Bare Necessities) nor Mr. Banks (
The Life I Lead).
<My metaphors for parenting are from Disney, WTF?>
I accept this now.
But, I'm incredibly stubborn and I can't help but be an exceptional thinker. I do not mean to say that I am fundamentally smarter than anyone else. What I do mean to say, however, is that I have "thinks" that collect in piles outside "the box".
Decisions:
As a result of being an outsider within an institution (yes, I have considered my inability to conform as some sort of social disorder; Diagnose me and medicate me otherwise deal with me) I make independent decisions. It's how I make sense of the world. I can't follow directions or a script. I can, however, follow my intuition and a good lead(er).
I made the decision to take what was, effectively, a program supporting the institution and made it a program designed to empower people.
I made the decision to choose kids over homework, process over product, systems over tasks, decision-making over following directions and compliance.
As a parent, I chose to observe and allow vs. manage and clear obstacles for my kids.
When there was a conflict, I decided to place the responsibility back on them and asked what their part was in the conflict and what could they do to resolve it. When they got into trouble I let them own it. Life is an excellent teacher, after all.
<Cue Ironic Pause>
What I learned is that, when it comes to kids, ownership is a group experience.
I tried like hell to let my kids own their consequences but I was the one walking around worried as shit about the fallout. I live and work in a perfect world. Lots of gloss and affluence, and influence. Kids don't make mistakes or missteps in this community is the unspoken message. I hadn't realized that I had bought into this as well until my kids were no longer "perfect":
* When my daughter got into a fist fight with a boy at school and spent a Saturday detention cleaning out trash cans I didn't get her out of it, but I still hung my head in shame instead of trying to understand why she fought in the first place.
* When my other daughter's ex-friends posted I'M A WHORE on her Facebook profile, mortified, I gave her the third degree for letting the world see it instead of sharing her pain.
I made the decision to be sure and let the consequences be theirs. But, I walked around with my eyes cast down because I could no longer be a "perfect parent" in this community.
I know this now.
I also know that I was half right. I did the right thing by letting the girls own the consequences. After all, the things that got them into "trouble" were their decisions. It would have been absurd, to a degree, to try to think that I could have stopped them from happening.
But, I was only half right. The other side of the equation required empathy. Buy me a few drinks and I'll tell you all about my own mistakes and missteps. I chose perfection over empathy.
I am not a Tiger nor a helicopter - I'm a dumbass.
But only half a dumbass.
<insert pause for visual>
The decision I made to allow ownership to be placed squarely on the shoulders of my children was the right one. The world is too full of unearned entitlement and it's screwing things up for a lot of people.
But, I missed an opportunity to stand in and share
a little tenderness. I committed emotional double jeopardy by allowing the girls' natural consequences to be compounded by my lack of empathy/embarrassment.
I'm a better listener today. I'm more patient and my kids are older and wiser (I have less influence on them). I also realize that we're all hypocrites. I have witnessed many a glass house shatter because of judgmental/ perfectionist stone hurling in this community.
I have great kids.
Seriously great. There are so many ways I can illustrate this. I'll share three vignettes that, I think, will make the point.
1. Our eldest daughter is paralyzed by the fear she feels when it comes to public-speaking. She purposefully and on her own enrolls in a singing class where she not only has to address an audience, she has to sing. She did not have to do this, she chose to in order to force herself out of her comfort zone. This is greatness. Parents had no direct influence on her decision.
2. At age 15, our middle daughter begs to move away from the home and attend public school in the US (8000 miles and a 20 hour flight away from "home"). She spends 5 months living with a non-blood relation family and goes to school on her own every day for a semester. She gets cut from the soccer team 2 weeks into the school year in spite of having played the game since age 4. She earns a spot on the preseason track team that same day and finds a mentor and a passion for middle distance running in the process. Apart from the permission and support to move away, parents had nothing to do with this series of events.
3. Our youngest daughter has a tumultuous relationship with her best friend in grade five. There is clear evidence of back-stabbing and lots of tears. We try to intervene to point out the obvious - that this is not a friendship. Through tears, she tells us to back off because she's "got this". I ask, "You sure you've got this?". She responds with, "Yes, I've got this.". End of story. She did, indeed have "it" and these girls are stable and supportive friends more than two years later.
Vignettes. This kind of stuff happens every day. Our girls are very aware of who they are, what their strengths and deficits are and are constantly making decisions to deal with them. They struggle to make sense of their challenges and the perceived injustices in the world. And, they own their decisions and, as a result, their passions.
Passion
We wanted our kids to find things they
loved to do. We had a decision to make in this regard:
1. Look at ourselves as parents and our physical, intellectual and emotional attributes (and liabilities) and groom our kids accordingly. Running and tequila shooting would have been high (pun intended) on the list. We were both talented runners and found a way a way to deal with injustice through liquid courage. Strapping trainers on the kids and locking the liquor cabinet would have been the way to enable this script.
2. Live our lives and let the kids "figure it out". Who knows? Maybe they would've become elite runners by evading the cops with a bottle of stolen Stoli in their clutches...
3. Find a middle ground - with a twist.
We had two (golden) rules for interests and activities when the kids were young:
1. You gotta do something and
2. Whatever you start you have to finish (the term or season).
Here's what we've experienced as a family and, largely, where our money/credit line has gone:
Dance
Gymnastics
Soccer
Brownies
Girl Scouts
Skiing
Softball
Basketball
Rugby
Volleyball
Summer Camps
Life Guarding
Yoga
Cooking
Art
Umpiring
Babysitting
Cheerleading
Track
Surfing
Horseback Ridiing
Cross Country
Climbing
Etc.
Etc.
These Golden Rules reigned supreme for years. They were the backbone to an otherwise flexible parenting style. You don't get to "just" taste. You gotta commit to the entire meal. It's a smorgasbord, but if you put it on your plate you gotta finish it, so to speak...
...Until grade six when the oldest pushed back against softball. She "owned" the notion that she wanted to quit, that she was breaking the Golden Rule. We pushed back - it was, after all, the Golden Rule.
"One more week." we
urged.
"Let's practice before your next game." we
pleaded.
"You can't quit once you've started." we
reminded.
But she was miserable. Furthermore, how could we hold this over her, she was self-advocating
fergodsakes!
So, we looked at the body of evidence. She wasn't a quitter. Her sister was playing softball and had no intentions of copycat-quitting. She was in 6th grade and able to make a decision for herself. So we let her quit.
She has never quit anything again.
She's broken other rules, of course, but never quit.
It was, coincidentally, where she found the traction in Dance that led to her passion in and for it. It is her "thing" and is the place she has learned about leadership, management (interpersonal and time) as well as having a creative and athletic outlet.
Dance has opened doors. It's her calling card and has given her the confidence in herself to take risks and move out of her comfort zone. She's learned about the real world and real people through dance. She is better prepared to engage the real world and real people because of her responsibilities, her decisions and her passion - her OWNERSHIP for/of/from dance. In this regard, dance is not an art form for her, it is an education in life. One that she never got in an English, Math, Science or History class.
The following (from my FaceBook post) illustrates my parental schizophrenia: elation from our daughter's passion (humanistically ideal) and the frustration that her efforts, fueled by passion, are practically (the metrics for success in school: GPA and SAT) moot:
"Thanks
for everyone's encouragement and support. We are indeed proud of Alex.
The pride we feel goes beyond the esthetic. We're proud of Alex'
commitment to herself and her passion. She has committed herself to
countless hours choreographing, choosing music and executing the
synthesis of both in her performances. The evidence of this dedication
and accomplishment will barely register on a GPA and even less on the
SAT. Her takeaway from these experiences are evident in the blistered
feet, the future dancers she's inspired and in her own fulfilled heart.
She told me last night after the show that she had so much fun just
watching the other dancers on stage interacting and celebrating with her
on stage during the performance. Their joy was hers. Jill and I
stayed up until 3am watching "Alice" videos and endless slide shows.
Jill cried each time we watched her capstone piece. I was happy then
mad. As a lifelong educator it makes me mad that none of this - not the
thousands of hours Alex has dedicated to her craft - not the joy and
inspiration she has impacted in her peers and students - not the
intensely creative thinking and effort that went into the robotic door
that was on stage for thirty seconds - none of it will be measured in
any practical way. Actually it pisses me off. It pisses me off
because when Alex applies for college and puts down her composite score
of 2000 on the SAT and a 3 point something GPA that will be almost all
she will be recognized for. It's time for a new metric in education.
When a kid like Alex' efforts are no longer measured by two numbers and
instead by commitment and passion that's when I'll know we've evolved as
an industry and as a culture."
I had 5 people "Like" my comment and a couple of supportive comments, "AMEN", "Well Said".
In the world of social media I have hardly set the world on fire.
I'm not sure how this (social media) is supposed to work or how I need to go about encouraging folks to "move in the opposite direction" in schooling. Furthermore, I need to be constantly reminded/re-encouraged/re-steeled of my purpose and motivation to transcend the status quo of "normal" when it comes to school. "School" is more than an industry, it's in our cultural DNA. It's like gravity, always present, constantly anchoring us in place and, as a result, resigning us to the fact that that's just how it is.
Until we discovered flight and then rocketry and then the mile high club.
<not sure of the order of events here>
But, I know that I must keep trying to overcome the gravity of "school". It's the one thing I have held sacred/pissing me off since I started teaching and parenting 20 years ago. And I still cringe when my kids have uninspired/uninspiring homework after a long enough day of school (7 hours) and not enough character-building extracurriculars (3 hours) each day.
It's time for me to accept and leverage my responsibilities, decisions and passions to own the work that must be done to move "schooling" in an opposite direction - Toward kids owning their responsibilities, decisions and (finding their) passions.
"When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called a religion."
- Robert Pirsig
Join me in delusional (READ: Divergent, transformative, innovative) thinking and action in this regard.
Who's with me?
