Being Right Never Felt So Wrong: Jumping Out of Planes Edition

“The law of unintended consequences pushes us ceaselessly through the years, permitting no pause for perspective.” (Richard Schickel)

A few years back I had an opportunity to take a sky diving trip to Australia with some friends.  It was a good group of guys and I would be doing two things I'd never done before; visiting Down Under and jumping out of a plane.  It was a frightening proposition but I was eager to push out of my comfort zone.

On the eve of the trip one of my daughters got into trouble at school.  She was caught up in some sixth grade drama and made some problematic moves as she tried to figure out her place in the social pecking order.   

The school dealt with it appropriately and she seemed to understand the boundaries she was crossing.  Still, it was the first significant disciplinary issue I had dealt with as a parent.  To compound things, I made some assumptions around my exposure as both the dad of a kid breaking rules and as a faculty member at a high profile international school.  It's a social fish bowl and I figured I would be scrutinized as a parent/educator in this community.
 

It turns out, there was a bit of scrutiny from at least one parent but the biggest judgment came from within.  I had, for so many years as a teacher and parent, made (incomplete) conclusions of the more challenging kids in my classes.  Really, I was judgmental and, apples and trees being what they are, I couldn't stand what my daughter's actions might be conveying about me and my parenting.  A tighter parental sphincter I had never known...

So, of course, I tried to nip this in the bud and minimize the damage.  I imparted my wisdom (calmly, at first, not in the end) to my misguided Red Delicious.  I figured she'd be humble and apologetic about what she had done.  No need to worry, though, as I knew exactly how to fix her.  So, I carried on with my "whys, hows, whats, wheres, whos and whens".  Man, I really believed I was doing a great father-knows-best job.  After all, I know kids!

I even cancelled my trip to Australia in order to be there to pick up the pieces/provide stability in order to keep her from making more mistakes.

So, what was the takeaway? 

1.  A wife that felt that I didn't trust her to manage things while I was away. 

2.  A daughter that, to this day, doesn't trust me completely and didn't share much with me for a long time.

Total Fail.

I recently had a colleague remind me of the Law of Unintended Consequences.  Good stuff.  If you are perfect, then don't bother reading the link.  But, if you're like me, human, then you might find it interesting.  

Furthermore, it can inform your process as a parent of adolescents.  Replace "economist" with "parent" in the following quote by Bastiat and you'll see what I mean.

"There is only one difference between a bad economist (parent) and a good one: the bad economist (parent)confines himself to the visible effect; the good economist (parent) takes into account both the effect that can be seen and those effects that must be foreseen."

Mother-scratcher!!!  You mean in order to be a good parent I have to be able to predict the future? 

Accurately?   

No.  After all, you're not an economist.  Economists are required to make informed predictions in order to prevent financial meltdowns...

Our challenge as parents is to shed our own fears, hopes, dreams, expectations and dirty little secrets in order to accept and trust our children... 

...even when we don't understand why they're behaving the way they are...
 

…Way harder than predicting the future!

I thought my daughter needed a specific response to her actions.  The school had already done that.  But I, desperate and scared, attacked.  Laser precision describes my step-by-step interrogation of her misdeeds and moreover, I probed her for the "why".

  

Hey, I thought I was doing the right thing to jump all over my daughter.  I intended to stop poor choices by employing very specific strategies and interventions (namely:  long, heated and unconvincing lectures). I graced her with what I thought to be very effective words of wisdom.  Unfortunately, I failed to pay attention to the bigger picture.  I didn't pull back and apply all that I knew about this particular child (empathy). I reacted to the behavior and not her.  I made things worse by reacting in an emotional manner.  It was a pivotal moment for me as a parent and I whiffed.  

I'm not saying that my approach was completely wrong.  I just didn't take into consideration the whole child; Her own hopes, fears and expectations were ignored by me and replaced with my own.

  

At the end of the day, I did my best at the time.  It is unfortunate, however, that I didn't allow for a broader understanding of her perspective.  I now recognize my missed opportunity to help her through a rough spot developmentally.  I'm sure she's had quite a few since then that never made it to me because she couldn't trust me to listen and not act in judgment.  She owns the sour moods and overt glares - after all, she is a teenager!  But these dark clouds could instead be signals for opportunities to help her through an issue.  It's my job now to find the patience and understanding for as long as it takes for her to figure out that I’m available and willing to listen. Incidentally, her sister went through some of this as well.  Different kids, different circumstances and different results.  Another lesson learned; one size does not fit all.  But that's for another post.

So, I thought I had it all figured out.  I believed that I understood the behavior and responded directly...

...But, I became an adversary instead of an ally. 

It’s a bit ironic that I skipped a comfort zone-challenging opportunity to instead apply firm control over another.  But, I am fortunate to have learned a lesson around perspective, albeit a tough lesson.  Perhaps I now have the ability to pause for perspective when dealing with my daughters.  It'll be interesting as she is turning out to be as independent (read: stubborn) as I am. 

Many years have passed since this incident.  This daughter and I are now "all good".  She trusts me and vice versa.  We both grew as individuals.  I am constantly reminded of my need to employ empathy in my closest relationships.  

Then again, maybe it’s time to stop trying to figure it out and go sky-diving instead.

 

I Don't Mind the Gap

Our eldest graduates from high school this year.  She has taken her SAT, ACT, APs and has a “good” GPA.  She’s got an account with the College Board and Family Connection and has letters of recommendation from two teachers.  

She’s done the college tours and has even experienced dorm life during Summer camps & programs.

She is all set to start college.

But she won’t. 

Not next year.

Next year will be a gap year for our daughter.

Instead of leveraging her “institutional learning” (Read: academic grades and standardized test scores) she’s going to put her “authentic learning” to the test (Read:  critical-thinking, communication, collaboration, creativity and her character).

She will forgo the programmed for the open-ended.

After all, she lives in the 21st century and has, genuinely, learned to hone 21st century skills.  

On the surface, this gap year is going to be all about her passion, dance. She’s been a dancer her whole life.  Dance has been a physical, intellectual and spiritual journey for her.  Dance, has taught her about herself through the lessons of leadership, hard work, focus, cooperation and the joy & pain of achievement and movement.  She’s made lifelong friends and has loved and lost through dance.  

Teachers and Parents as “Educators”

As a Teacher, I don’t have to make assumptions about “Education”.  I live it everyday.  I understand, intimately, what students are expected to do as members of a school community.  Her school is all about preparation for college.   But, as Parents we have a responsibility to prepare our kids for the real world.  And, in the 21st century, this mandate has never been more challenging.  

The world is a messy place.  But it’s also a very exciting time to go exploring.  As parents of an expat kid, we don’t see travel and cultural experiences as a “need” for our daughter - she’s had loads of those on several continents.  Nor do we feel compelled to encourage her to jump into college as a requisite “next step” in becoming a responsible citizen of the world.  Her formal education (courses, clubs, activities, service, travel, etc.) rivals and, in many cases, exceeds our own high school and undergraduate university experiences.  Her school has prepared her well for the academic world.  But, there is a whole universe of needs and opportunities beyond the collegiate walls. 

Fortunately, her school has also prepared our daughter for this reality (although it had nothing to do with grades or a 6 hour standardized test).

Not a Dance Mom or Dad

If you know me, then you know how much I value our daughter's Dance program.  If you really know me then you’ll know that I don’t care, one way or another, about dance, per se.  What I mean to say is that what I value about her Dance program has more to do with the 21st century skills learned and applied in authentic ways than it does about the medium or the art form.  

Read this for more on her Dance Program and the 21st Century Skills taught and applied:

http://issuu.com/sasnf/docs/cr_2013_11 (see pages 24 & 25)  

I do love to watch my daughter perform.  It’s a real joy.  But, my pride and satisfaction are in knowing how hard she worked to get a performance piece to stage.  There are hundreds of hours of collaboration, creative trial and error, countless revisions requiring problem-solving, trust and commitment that had to take place before there could be a show.   As a member of her school's Dance community she is constantly going from theory to practice - everyday. Usually, for many (credit-free) hours after the 3 o’clock bell.

And, it’s just the kind of thing she’ll need in the real world.

One of my favorite books on child development is NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.  Here’s what they say about teenagers as it relates to theory and practice:

“Here’s a Twilight Zone-type premise for you. What if surgeons never got to work on humans, they were instead just endlessly in training, cutting up cadavers? What if the same went for all adults – we only got to practice at simulated versions of our jobs? Lawyers only got to argue mock cases, for years and years. Plumbers only got to fix fake leaks in classrooms. Teachers only got to teach to videocameras, endlessly rehearsing for some far off future. Book writers like me never saw our work put out to the public – our novels sat in drawers. Scientists never got to do original experiments; they only got to recreate scientific experiments of yesteryear. And so on.

Rather quickly, all meaning would vanish from our work. Even if we enjoyed the activity of our job, intrinsically, it would rapidly lose depth and relevance. It’d lose purpose. We’d become bored, lethargic, and disengaged.

In other words, we’d turn into teenagers.”

The Newsweek article goes on to explain the, seemingly, brainless behavior teens exhibit as a function of living and working in an abstract bubble. What the research says they need is, instead...

“...a way to do something meaningful in real life, interacting with adults, outside the realm of the high school artificial bubble, and outside the hovering control of their parents. For some, it was volunteering at organizations that really needed their help – where they felt they were making a real contribution. For others it was tutoring younger kids. For others, exploring a passion without regard to its value to their college application. Or it could be a job (not a McJob) where they interacted with adults. A little went a long way. “

So a gap year is an easy decision for us as “Educators” (Remember: Teachers &  Parents). Although as my 12th grader is quick to point out,

“I don’t do anything just because you suggest it, Dad.  I do it because it makes sense to me; because I want to.”

And you know what?  We’ve had the pleasure (and breath-holding discomfort) of watching her grow up as a result of real, applied and, yes, painful experiences that were rooted in decisions she made. So we understand, deeply, what “makes sense to her”.  She “owns” that. 

And real learning cannot happen without ownership, period.

She’s taking a gap year to explore and apply her skills to learn in the real world.  Experience is the first (only?) teacher.  Our job as “Educators” is to facilitate, to get out of the way of her potential and, most importantly, to let her own it (the successes as well as the failures).

Our kid will go to college - eventually. Our parents did.  Her aunts and uncles did.  Most importantly (according to research), we did.  We understand the importance of a college degree and the college-experience.  But, we also recognize that learning is not limited to a college campus and cannot be distilled down to a GPA and an SAT score.  

Our Big Girl is a learner and will take whatever steps that “make sense to her” in order to continue learning.

And, as “Educators” we couldn’t be prouder.