Being Right Never Felt So Wrong: Jumping Out of Planes Edition

“The law of unintended consequences pushes us ceaselessly through the years, permitting no pause for perspective.” (Richard Schickel)

A few years back I had an opportunity to take a sky diving trip to Australia with some friends.  It was a good group of guys and I would be doing two things I'd never done before; visiting Down Under and jumping out of a plane.  It was a frightening proposition but I was eager to push out of my comfort zone.

On the eve of the trip one of my daughters got into trouble at school.  She was caught up in some sixth grade drama and made some problematic moves as she tried to figure out her place in the social pecking order.   

The school dealt with it appropriately and she seemed to understand the boundaries she was crossing.  Still, it was the first significant disciplinary issue I had dealt with as a parent.  To compound things, I made some assumptions around my exposure as both the dad of a kid breaking rules and as a faculty member at a high profile international school.  It's a social fish bowl and I figured I would be scrutinized as a parent/educator in this community.
 

It turns out, there was a bit of scrutiny from at least one parent but the biggest judgment came from within.  I had, for so many years as a teacher and parent, made (incomplete) conclusions of the more challenging kids in my classes.  Really, I was judgmental and, apples and trees being what they are, I couldn't stand what my daughter's actions might be conveying about me and my parenting.  A tighter parental sphincter I had never known...

So, of course, I tried to nip this in the bud and minimize the damage.  I imparted my wisdom (calmly, at first, not in the end) to my misguided Red Delicious.  I figured she'd be humble and apologetic about what she had done.  No need to worry, though, as I knew exactly how to fix her.  So, I carried on with my "whys, hows, whats, wheres, whos and whens".  Man, I really believed I was doing a great father-knows-best job.  After all, I know kids!

I even cancelled my trip to Australia in order to be there to pick up the pieces/provide stability in order to keep her from making more mistakes.

So, what was the takeaway? 

1.  A wife that felt that I didn't trust her to manage things while I was away. 

2.  A daughter that, to this day, doesn't trust me completely and didn't share much with me for a long time.

Total Fail.

I recently had a colleague remind me of the Law of Unintended Consequences.  Good stuff.  If you are perfect, then don't bother reading the link.  But, if you're like me, human, then you might find it interesting.  

Furthermore, it can inform your process as a parent of adolescents.  Replace "economist" with "parent" in the following quote by Bastiat and you'll see what I mean.

"There is only one difference between a bad economist (parent) and a good one: the bad economist (parent)confines himself to the visible effect; the good economist (parent) takes into account both the effect that can be seen and those effects that must be foreseen."

Mother-scratcher!!!  You mean in order to be a good parent I have to be able to predict the future? 

Accurately?   

No.  After all, you're not an economist.  Economists are required to make informed predictions in order to prevent financial meltdowns...

Our challenge as parents is to shed our own fears, hopes, dreams, expectations and dirty little secrets in order to accept and trust our children... 

...even when we don't understand why they're behaving the way they are...
 

…Way harder than predicting the future!

I thought my daughter needed a specific response to her actions.  The school had already done that.  But I, desperate and scared, attacked.  Laser precision describes my step-by-step interrogation of her misdeeds and moreover, I probed her for the "why".

  

Hey, I thought I was doing the right thing to jump all over my daughter.  I intended to stop poor choices by employing very specific strategies and interventions (namely:  long, heated and unconvincing lectures). I graced her with what I thought to be very effective words of wisdom.  Unfortunately, I failed to pay attention to the bigger picture.  I didn't pull back and apply all that I knew about this particular child (empathy). I reacted to the behavior and not her.  I made things worse by reacting in an emotional manner.  It was a pivotal moment for me as a parent and I whiffed.  

I'm not saying that my approach was completely wrong.  I just didn't take into consideration the whole child; Her own hopes, fears and expectations were ignored by me and replaced with my own.

  

At the end of the day, I did my best at the time.  It is unfortunate, however, that I didn't allow for a broader understanding of her perspective.  I now recognize my missed opportunity to help her through a rough spot developmentally.  I'm sure she's had quite a few since then that never made it to me because she couldn't trust me to listen and not act in judgment.  She owns the sour moods and overt glares - after all, she is a teenager!  But these dark clouds could instead be signals for opportunities to help her through an issue.  It's my job now to find the patience and understanding for as long as it takes for her to figure out that I’m available and willing to listen. Incidentally, her sister went through some of this as well.  Different kids, different circumstances and different results.  Another lesson learned; one size does not fit all.  But that's for another post.

So, I thought I had it all figured out.  I believed that I understood the behavior and responded directly...

...But, I became an adversary instead of an ally. 

It’s a bit ironic that I skipped a comfort zone-challenging opportunity to instead apply firm control over another.  But, I am fortunate to have learned a lesson around perspective, albeit a tough lesson.  Perhaps I now have the ability to pause for perspective when dealing with my daughters.  It'll be interesting as she is turning out to be as independent (read: stubborn) as I am. 

Many years have passed since this incident.  This daughter and I are now "all good".  She trusts me and vice versa.  We both grew as individuals.  I am constantly reminded of my need to employ empathy in my closest relationships.  

Then again, maybe it’s time to stop trying to figure it out and go sky-diving instead.