Hide Then Seek (and Along the Way, "Just Don't be an A-Hole")

Seek and Destroy

I, once, was a member of a security detail at a Metallica show.

It was awesome.

"We are scanning the scene

in the city tonight
We are looking for you
to start up a fight
There is an evil feeling
in our brains
But it is nothing new
you know it drives us insane"

- Metallica's Seek and Destroy

I'm no longer looking for a fight and I don't have an evil feeling in my brain...

... not very often, anyway.

I wrote this down the other day to quell the evil demons urging me to judge & compete and be mean & petty:

"Writing is courageous; brave.  Bitching and playing games is small.

Be brave and continue expecting good things to happen, making things happen and, generally, being the best person you can be."

In my past relationship, I judged & dismissed and, as a result, danced around issues & avoided stepping up.  

I used to LOOK for things to criticize and write off as 'not good enough'.

What I was really doing was being a coward, an armchair quarterback watching others "do" while I assessed their efforts.  They were never "good" enough. 

I was an A-Hole. 

And, when I got scared I pushed and pushed 

and pushed again.  

It was awful.

I was an A-Hole.

I was not empathetic, patient or very accepting.  

I had become a small, small man.

I was an A-Hole.

And then, one day, the bottom fell out and I had no foundation to keep me from hitting the ground - hard.  I had built a house of hallmarks on a baseless, loose framework of lofty ideals & untested theories and it all came crashing down on me - hard.

And it hurt.   

And it was my fault because I was hiding (from my 'Good Work') in plain sight.

Hide and Seek 

In retrospect, I had tried, over and over, to play the game and the role but, eventually, I was just playing the fool.

"The fool who loves giving advice on our garden never tends his own plants at all."

- Paolo  Coelho

So, I began "pulling weeds" and asking 'Good Questions'.  At first, the questions were desperate:

who?!

where?!

when?!

how often?!

and, most crushingly, why?!

And, the answer was always "Vulnerability".

"I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  Vulnerability is not good or bad.  It's not dark or light.  It is the core of all emotions and feelings.  To feel is to be vulnerable."

-Brene Brown

I was on a journey and Vulnerability became my first companion.   

She introduced me to Patience and Acceptance.  These two challenged me tremendously.  I kept wanting to hide from them, avoid them.  

I even tried inviting Perfectionism, a longtime travelling companion of mine, to join us on the trek. After all, he always bullied me so he must be tough...  

...they were incompatible.  

Patience and Acceptance waited out Perfectionism and all its antics and tantrums and, eventually, Perfectionism gave in and became Self-Compassion.  

A huge step in my Learning.

I began to walk with Patience and Acceptance in a new way.  I no longer followed their lead.  I was now giving myself permission to choose my own path (I was no longer looking over my shoulder and needing someone else's permission).  This was a healthy shift from desperation, reluctant compliance and foolish bravado.

That's when I met Authenticity.  

Patience and Acceptance are like Zen monks.  Quiet, steadfast & gentle.

Authenticity was the 1 - 2  -3 punch of Chuck Norris, Samuel L. Jackson and Tyler Durden kicking my ass 14 different ways and then chastising me for it:  

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."


"My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass."

"Hey, you created me.  I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better.  Take some responsibility!"

Authenticity used all its Flying Monkeys to subdue me:  

Empathy, Meaning, Purpose, Reflection and even My Own Strengths.  

 I hadn't really considered others' perspectives in an empathetic way before.  In the past, I would either be selfish in my motivation when I "listened" to another or, worse,  impatient and uninspired & dutiful.  As a result, I had lost many an opportunity to learn  - to find meaning and purpose in my interactions.  Even Reflection, something that came naturally to me had become distorted.  It looked more like contempt in its de-evolution.

It took me a long time to unpack My Own Strengths.  I knew them, of course.  

Even my 9 year old (at the time) had me pegged,

"You're like a sponge, Daddy.  You notice everything, absorb it and keep it for just the right moment."  

Observation and Awareness were definitely companions on my journey.  They were always there.  

But, now, so were Patience, Acceptance and Authenticity.  I was learning to give myself permission to be great (honoring my natural and learned talents).  

Furthermore, I was leveraging them with Purpose and Meaning...

...I was Learning.

I was a little bloodied and bruised (ownership) and a lot more authentic (the gift of ownership). 

I was Learning.

And, it was about time.

Seek and Divorce

I've written before about divorce.  It was the beginning of something significant in my Learning as I help others Learn.  

At the time, I had Learned enough to understand what was and what could be in my life.  That declaration led to a lot of thinking and doing since then.  

Today, I am stepping up with enthusiasm instead of desperation; intelligence and not arrogance; I focus on my 'Good Work' and not the judgment of others'...

...for the most part...

...And, when I do feel like judging another's work or way of being, I no longer justify it.  

I invite that demon to dance.  

I used to dance around an issue.  

Then, I Danced in the Opposite Direction. 

Now, I dance with that devil.

Now I dance with Fear.

From an interview with Seth Godin at Brainpickings.com:

"On how what to do, as creative people, when our amphibian brain begins to whisper into our mind’s ear every possible disaster scenario and assuring us of our prospective failure:

'That is what we do for a living — we dance with the Resistance, we don’t make it go away. You cannot make it go away — you cannot make the voice go away, you cannot make the fear go away, because it’s built in. What you can do is when it shows up, you say “Welcome! I’m glad you’re here. Let’s dance about this.”

What we need to do is say, 'What’s the smallest, tiniest thing that I can master and what’s the scariest thing I can do in front of the smallest number of people that can teach me how to dance with the fear?” Once we get good at that, we just realize that it’s not fatal. And it’s not intellectually realize — we’ve lived something that wasn’t fatal. And that idea is what’s so key — because then you can do it a little bit more.'"

Bloodied and Bruised and Healing...

...More Authentic, Patient and Accepting...

No more theory.  I'm doing the work everyday utilizing what I've Learned along the way.  The pain is there right along with the joy.  I'm not numbing the pain because I've Learned that if I numb the pain I numb the joy.  So,  I'm Learning to feel all of it. 

I now possess the courage to walk with Vulnerability on my path and it's a very beneficial friend to have.  I am more creative and innovative and my 'Good Work' is better.

Much, much better. 

I am also engaging & interacting with 'Good People' and appreciate their honest struggles with their own pain and am celebrating their joy as they take responsibility in the acceptance of their own 'Good Work'.

We're all Learning.

I know I've got a lot still to Learn.  

And, I accept this with self-compassion and patience.

I also know I've got a lot to offer.

And, I honor this with courage and vulnerability.

Stay tuned (start now by "following by email" in the column to the right - thanks!) as I continue this journey.  You might just Learn something, too.

Oh, and I promise to (try to) not be an A-Hole along the way...

"Rock On!"

- Wayne's World

Calmin' Core Standards

"If you are depressed you are living in the past"

"If you are anxious you are living in the future"

"If you are at peace you are living in the present"

- Lao Tzu

I've had this on my phone home screen for over a year now.  It's a faithful companion and frequent reminder to avoid the pitfalls of past/ future thinking.  

I've had reason to fall prey to both lately...

The great thing about this triad of wisdom is the "right" answer amongst the two reminders:

"Live in the present"

I remember my first exposure to Zen.  It was by Ken Ravizza, Sport Psychologist and professor of the Philosophy of Movement course I took in college.  After explaining Zen in theory he posed a question,

"What is Zen?"

It sounded rhetorical until he directed the question at me.

"John, what is Zen?"

I answered based on the information presented / typically / regurgitatively,

"It's the here and now." 

I was startled to hear the same question, louder this time, asked again,

"John, what is Zen?"

Following the leader, I repeated my answer, louder this time, 

"It's the here and now."

"JOHN, WHAT IS ZEN?"

"IT'S THE HERE AND NOW!"

"JOHN, WHAT IS ZEN?"

"IT'S THE HERE AND NOW!"

silence...

...then,

"NO! Zen is 'I'M TIRED!" 'I'M BORED!' 'MY ASS HURTS FROM SITTING TOO LONG!!'"

Is what he came back with, promptly followed by,

"John, what is Zen?"

I finally got it.

"My ass actually does hurt from sitting too long."

Fast forward to my Zen today:

I'm back in a familiar place under strange circumstances after 13 years living in strange places under familiar circumstances.

It's not so much about my rear end but more about letting go of a troublesome past and avoiding the temptation & anxiety of living in/ trying to create the future.

These past months have been lessons in humility and empathy and responsibility taught through the mechanisms of transition, authenticity and acceptance.

Transition:   A gift from the Gods of Complacency

I packed up a life collected and lived for 13 years in the polar opposite posts of La Paz, Bolivia and Singapore.  From the high altitude and raw plains of the Andes to the glossy and tropical, perfectly paved and groomed, streets of South East Asia's garden city-state.  I had to choose and prioritize what was to go and what was to go to California, my next "post".

Getting rid of stuff was a catharsis.  It was liberating after so many years of moving, storing and organizing crap I'd never use but didn't have the perspective or urgency to let it go.  A life is measured by what we have collected.  I am happy to say that many of the things in my newly cleaned out "treasure chest" are the meaningful relationships with my own children and the friendships, travel and many engaging conversations I've had with an eclectic group of intelligent and supportive folks over the years.  

I've also gotten rid of many ideals and attitudes about how things should or have to be.  I had convinced myself I could be anything I wanted to be.  I had failed to realize that while this was true in theory, it was in competition with who I was and needed to be.  I had tried to "beat the system" of tradition only to find myself, ultimately,  afraid to really bite the hand that fed me.  I was a barking dog easily pacified by the promise of a bone.

Separating myself from that Pavlovian cycle did me good.  I was untethered and found that the sky's limit was quite high and so is my potential.  I started talking to people differently.  I "leaned in" as Sheryl Sandberg says.  I met people, new people that heard me.  I met with people, familiar ones that I heard in new ways.   I asked how, where and when.  I already knew the who, what and why.  

Authenticity:  A gift from the Gods of Denial

Making a home has always been in my wheelhouse.   I have an ability to store things cleverly and based on logic.   The other edge of this sword is a tendency toward organized clutter.  I can find a thoughtful place for a lot of stuff that I should, otherwise, reject or simply get rid of.  I tend to keep things longer than I need them / they are helpful to possess.  

I'm better at that now.  I've let go of a lot of things that didn't belong to me in the first place.  I have enough of my own stuff to manage.  I have to sort through the stuff I brought with me and decide what I keep and what I will next let go of.  At the same time, I have to stay vigilant to not accept things that people try and give me to deal with that are not mine.

Acceptance:  A gift from the Gods of Perfection

I am learning to Accept the things I cannot change.  As a result,  I am finding the Courage to change the things I can.  While I do this I am discovering the patient Wisdom to know the difference between the two.  

It's a peaceful place.

Presently, I am finding that everything, eventually, finds peace.  

Along the way there is growth, understanding and more stuff to figure out.  

In the meantime, I'm done for now. 

My ass hurts from sitting too long.

"Good Luck in Yemen"

The Bar

This is my bar.  It's my favorite thing in the world.

It was designed in a British pub on cocktail napkins.

The scribbling & doodling took place in La Paz, Bolivia on a cold Andean night like so many cold Andean nights I experienced in La Paz, Bolivia.

The man that drew the Pacena-ringed-cocktail-napkin-blueprint is an Oklahoma-(State)-trained- Bolivian-born-architect.

Architects

And he's one of my most favorite people in the world.

He is a storyteller (from a "NO WAY" story about Brian Bosworth to life in Barbados as a child) and a bbq chef philosopher ("You do what you love").

The "bar" project took more than 3 years to complete although it only took 6 weeks to build.  The napkins sat, shamefully idle, in a drawer for a really long time.

Stone Soup

Stone Soup is one of my most favorite stories in the world.

It's (in my opinion) a story illustrating the power of enthusiasm, opportunity and possibility.

If you're not familiar with the story, it goes something like thisssss...

The chronicle of The Bar has a similar arc:

From "Can you really build me a bar?" inspiration to

"We're leaving Bolivia at the end of the year, get this thing built!" urgency to

"It will have to be able to move all over the world." practicality to

"I want it to be easy for the bartender:  lots of drawers, lights, fridge, built in butcher block, storage for glassware..." functionality to

"What type of artistic carvings do you want on the patron side (Tequila-pun intended)?" aesthetics to

"Which Andean images do you want painted by the Bolivian-Internationally-Known Artist?" originality to

"How aged, weathered and worn do you want the (newly-vintage) bar top to look via purposefully-wayward hammers, chains and ropes?" pseudo-authenticity to

"Who are we going to invite to christen The Bar?" enthusiasm.

Inspiration, Urgency, Practicality, Functionality, Aesthetic, Originality, Authenticity, Enthusiasm

Every product is the result of a process. 

Inspiration, Urgency, Practicality, Functionality, Aesthetic, Originality, Authenticity, Ownership

Ownership and Enthusiasm are key components to learning as are constraints (Urgency, Practicality, Aesthetic, Originality and Authenticity).

Inspiration was the, necessary, first step of this process.

Customs, Intents & Purposes

The Bar was Custom-Built to capture my time in Bolivia as I got ready to "spin the globe" to see "what's next".  The artistry and materials are a testament to the five years (and generations before me) that are tied to that raw and mystical place.  

It was Intentionally-Built to serve as a meeting place.  A place for people to exchange ideas, lies & dreams.  A spot to escape, portend, pretend, delude, deny & delay decisions.  A place for good friends to meet.  A good place for children to learn, contextually, about vices, excess and the importance of "people skills".  

Finally, it was Purpose-Built to be dismantled, packed up and transported anywhere in the world.  It came to be in Bolivia.  It descended from the Altiplano, across the Pacific and into Singapore's deep water port where it has soaked up 8 years of the city-state's humid, frenetic lifestyle.

Journeys, Destinations & Destinies

The Bar will soon be emptied, dismantled, packed and shipped.  It's been halfway around the globe and is heading back.

"What's next?" is home but it's been 13 years and you can't go back home.

It's familiar and, yet, strange.

It's exciting and scary.

It's time.

And, it's What's Next.

By the Numbers: My Midlife Crisis

I'm 45. 

Midlife.

Old Enough to Know Better and (Often) Too Young to Care.

Half-Time.

Q:  So, what's the score?

A:  3, 18, 17, 13, 8, 5, 7, 20, 1,000,000 to 1.

"3" is the number of daughters that I am fortunate to have (learned from).  

"18" is the age of the eldest.  I have Learned from her the importance of creating space in order to understand one’s self in order to understand the world.  Even when that space is very lonely.

"17" is the age of the second eldest.  She's shown me that failure is a necessary component of success.  Even when there is deep pain and hurt in the failure. 

"13" is the age of the third eldest.  Lesson Learned:  Keen observation and smart maneuvering can keep one from loneliness and pain.  Even when, eventually, you have to let down your guard because it's just so damn frustrating & exhausting to fake it.

"8" is the number of years that I have lived and worked in Asia (Lite). As I reflect on this time I recognize the lessons I have learned in a place that is both foreign & familiar / full of rich possibilities & excruciating limits.

"5" is the number of years I worked and lived in South America, exploring the greatest extremes in family, geography, power, wealth and culture.

"7" is the number of years I worked with kids in US public schools thus beginning my journey as an Educator.

"20"…

There are two 20s.   

The first describes, chronologically, the number of years I have been a Husband - the number of years that I have had the opportunity to love, share, negotiate, predict, compromise, sacrifice, leverage, manipulate, humiliate, empathize, coordinate, celebrate, frustrate, support, scrutinize, project, introspect, reject, accept, build up, tear down, get up & get down with another human being in the most intimate and complicated of 21st century relationships, a marriage.

The other "20" corresponds to my time on task as an Educator (an equally challenging role in the 21st century).

While I've been hired many times as a teacher, I've never been able to remain one for long.  “Teacher” implies that people learn as a result of direct instruction – let’s call that “teaching”.  People can be controlled, coerced & shown how to copy and conform.  That part of teaching can be taught.  But learning -  real, authentic, deep, meaningful, purposeful and personal learning is not a result of being taught.  There's a difference.

     It's the difference between Teacher and Educator.

     It's the difference between Surviving and Thriving.  

     It's the difference between How to Do Something and Why to Do Something.  

     It's the difference between Should and Must.

"Should is how others want us to show up in the world - how we're supposed to think, what we ought to say, what we should or shouldn't do.  It's the vast array of expectations that others layer upon us. When we choose Should the journey is smooth, the risk is small.  

Must is different - there aren't options and we don't have a choice.

Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self.  It's our instincts, our cravings and longings, the things and ideas we burn for, the intuition that swells up from somewhere deep inside of us.  Must is what happens when we stop conforming to other people's ideals and start connecting to our own.  Because when we choose Must, we are listening to our calling from within, from some luminous, mysterious place."

- from Elle Luna's The Crossroads of Should and Must 

As an Educator, I help people learn to help themselves.  I don't teach.  I facilitate, coach, guide, lead, redirect, show and, sometimes, do nothing but wait.

I wait because...

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used to create them."  

Albert Einstein

"The two most important days in your life are the day you're born and the day you find out why."  

Mark Twain

How Daydreaming Helps Children Process Information and Explore Ideas

Psychology Today

I wait because the best thinking isn't rote, it's wrought.  

The research is pretty clear that, in the 21st Century, it's not about information covered by teachers. 

It's about information being uncovered by Learners.

It's about (effective & efficient) Structure and (lots of) Choice.

It's about giving kids a chance to apply their (own) Knowledge & Intuition in order to Ask & Answer (thoughtful) Questions to Discover & Solve (meaningful) Problems.

It's about time (is what it is).

1,000,000 to 1

Actually, it’s "1 in 1,000,000" (as in, I have an idea that might just be one in a million).

And, it’s about time.

Half-Time

I can’t pretend to teach anymore.  After all, I’ve learned too much about "Teaching" and...

It’s too damn lonely.

It’s too damn frustrating & exhausting.

... And, I now know I can handle the pain of failure as an Entrepreneur because I Must succeed as an Educator.

1 in 1,000,000

I have the Passion & Expertise to help people learn to discover & help themselves by leveraging "Structure" in order to make time for "Choice".

I have an Idea that will disrupt the status quo and target Learning instead of teaching.  

I have a Plan to replace "school".  

  

Half-Time is almost over.  Stay Tuned for the Second Half...

That One Time I Lost My Job Because of My Kid (Again)

I no longer have a job...

I am unattached, unaffiliated and untethered.

And, it's my daughter's fault.

She's a Runner, you see.  She's been called Filly and she's been called Race Horse.  She loves to run.

And I love to watch her run.

She's run in La Paz, Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, Taipei and Singapore.

Now she wants to run in L.A.

The Filly's (slightly) older sister is a Dancer.  Understand that I am not pigeonholing these young women when I distill their essence down to Runner and Dancer.  These are their passions.  These are the worlds in which they find the most meaning and learn the best lessons at the moment.

These deep and meaningful lessons are the results (effects) of a lifetime of choices (causes).  It began with a commitment of time and some curiosity and followed an arc of interest, commitment, training, meaning, purpose, talent, confidence and has given them a sense of their place in the world.  

So, at this point, the Runner wants / needs to be in L.A.

Why an L.A. State of Mind?

<Cynical pragmatism alert>

For every "love at first sight" and "you just know when you meet the one" love story there is a Match.com commercial and a divorce stat. 

Q:  So how does the Runner know she wants / needs to be in L.A.?

A:  Good Question...

Almost 2 years ago the Runner spent a semester in L.A.  At the time there was a lot of friction in our family.  We were each trying to find our place in the world.  Living overseas was still affording us opportunities but that was about all we could afford.  We remained committed to the girls and the belief that their interests and passions were worthy investments in their present and future lives.  This commitment was at odds, however, with our bottom line.  This financial "static" was constant background noise compounding the ringing in our ears from the screams of growing pains going on in our household (a story for another time).

In spite of the myriad opportunities to try and train in a variety of sports and activities, the Runner had never really bought in to life in Singapore.  We were convinced, however, that she was just being willful - a spoiled brat making life difficult for her parents.

In hindsight, we weren't wrong.  She was acting out.  But what we've learned since those tumultuous times is that she also knew something about herself and was trying to tell us something that we just weren't hearing.

It was an impassioned plea to take a much-needed break from the family and life in Singapore.  All we heard, however,  were whiny, desperate attempts to run away from her problems.  

But you know what it really was?  It was a kid who knew herself and was self-advocating,  asking for what she needed - a break and a chance to reinvent herself away from the judgment of her peers and her family.  

Again, we know this now.  

For a long time we couldn't begin to understand how we could, possibly, split up the family by letting her go.

But we did.

We hugged her goodbye one August morning,  got on a plane, flew 8,000 miles away and left her in L.A...

... to live with a family that was not our family (which we only knew in a kinda-sorta way)

... to go to a large US public school (when all she'd known were private international schools where everyone knows your name and who your parents & sisters are)

... to test her mettle and grit and ability to make it work...

... because we couldn't convince her otherwise

... because we weren't sure what else to do

... because we had a nagging suspicion that this was the right thing to do

... because we had raised her to use her words and to try and solve her own problems and 

... because she was willing to own the decision

And ownership is a (the?) key component of learning.  And learning is a natural, authentic, deeply-resonant and individual process that has meaning and purpose.

She was ready and willing to learn.

So were we.

 We owned the support and worked hard to understand.  It wasn't easy.  I took it very personal and I admit now that I disconnected emotionally from her (from the family).  It felt like a parental failure, a personal failure to not be able to provide the answers to the Runner's questions.

But, it was the right thing to do.  It wasn't about me as a parent or as the guy with the answers.  

Empathy how I love thee and your ability to kick my ass!

The Runner ran and trained and learned.  She learned about herself.  She learned about personal responsibility.  She learned to fend for herself because unconditional help was a long way away.  She learned who to trust and who to avoid and how to trust and avoid. 

It was significant.

She learned, first hand that when a door closes there is an open window somewhere nearby.

She learned what it felt like to have the soccer coach cut her from the team in the morning only to have that same coach personally introduce her to the track coach in the afternoon.

"You want to know this kid, she can run." the soccer coach said to the track coach.

And for the next 4 months, the Runner ran and trained and bonded and found another "family" in the track community.  She even learned to let go of the disappointment from getting cut from a sport she had been playing since she could walk.

And, we had very little to do with any of it.
 Doors and Windows

The Runner eventually came "home" for the holidays.  It was supposed to be a "visit".   Two weeks of "visit" was interrupted two days in when the Runner proclaimed that she wanted to stay...

... with us

... in Singapore

 

And it was her call. We had already resigned ourselves to the fact that she would spend her entire sophomore year in L.A.  

She owned the decision to go and she owned the decision to come back.  

We owned the knowledge that she was a different person.  She had evolved & grown as an individual. 

The Runner ran track in Singapore and had a successful season.  The Runner came back in her junior year and ran some more - as a cross country athlete (not soccer).  

It's now track season here in the tropics.  The Runner is, once again, running and training and making the most of her passions and talents.

And she owns all of it.  Our learning is around trust and support.  We no longer fight to understand her.  We accept and allow her to lead us into understanding.  She is a tremendous spirit and has much to teach.

So, when she asked to go back to that large public high school & run track & be a California kid in her senior year, we had a decision to make.  We had a reality to face.

Is it time (for each of us) to leave?

- for the graduating Dancer on her way to a gap year?

- for the hard-working mother of three that has doggedly and courageously reinvented herself in three different industries (Education, Insurance and Real Estate) in 8 years?

- for the even-keeled yet passionate 12 year old that has established a stable foothold in the shifting sands of middle school girldom?

- for the square peg thinker in a round hole industry?

The Runner, the rising senior, the emotional barometer of our family, the first domino to fall is ready to go. 

It turns out, we are ready.  A little over 9 years ago we were ready to leave Bolivia and try "what's next".  We gave up our jobs in November with the no-guarantee opportunity to leverage our skills, personalities and ambition as we searched for our next jobs.  We did it because we thought it was time for each of us to grow. 

This is how we ended up in Singapore.

And, as I let go of my job (again) I am reinvigorated by the possibilities and opportunities.  We all are.

And it's my daughter's fault.

Thanks, Filly!