The Pros and Confucius of Blogging

I hear and I forget

I see and I remember

I do and I understand

Why Journal/ Log?

     - In order to reflect.  

               The absence of reflection is the absence of

               thinking and the lack of growth

Why Blog?

     - Speech is fleeting;  I forget

     - Email is not very dynamic; it is largely a short-lived back and forth between two people for a specific &          narrow purpose.

     - It is a way to reach a broader audience; it creates a

       community around a topic.  The community can be

       passive or active in the blog but they are part of a

       conversation for the writer and readers which is

       dynamic (support) and also accountable (feedback).

Why Stuck in the Middle With You?

      -To share my experiences of "Raising Adolescents" 

      -To normalize the experience of "Raising Adolescents" by

       sharing perspective and published research

      -Because I live "Raising Adolescents" at work and at home.

      -Because I love to write

Trust Me

My kids spend time away from me from time-to-time.  I know, huge statement, right?  

But, some "away" time is more challenging for me (as a parent) than others.  

An example of non-challenging is from 8am to 3pm most Monday through Fridays; I can take for granted that they're relatively safe in a structured and supervised environment.

Whereas, it takes a lot more faith to let my, then, fifteen year old daughter go to the Prom.   

     With her boyfriend.  

     An eighteen year old HS Senior man-boy.

More on this later/ polishes barrel of shotgun on the porch.


But, there are a lot more in-between moments.   Examples:


* sleepovers
* taxis rides
* hanging out with friends (on campus after school, downtown, at The Club, at their friend's house, at Universal Studios, Trick-or-Treating, etc.)
* Summer Camps
* in their bedrooms
* on line


Letting my kids do these things outside of my view requires a leap of faith, so to speak.  I don't easily buy into the paranoia around child abduction, molestation and the threat of alien abduction although I know they are real .

Furthermore, I promise you, my kids don't have a spotless record (nor do I).  They've made choices that helped them figure out the way the world works but didn't go so well at the time.  The world has a way of redirecting even the most stubborn of us.   I talked about the troubles my, then, sixth grader got into in a previous post.  It was hell for all of us at the time.  But we all learned lasting lessons from that experience and they influence my parenting today as a result (hopefully, for the better although I won't know until they're parents themselves).  That daughter is still struggling to figure it out.  I'd love to help, but she needs to struggle through this.  I don't say this as some parenting philosophy point; she flat out won't let me help her.  I am doing my best to have faith in her process and where it will take her.


A couple of stories to illustrate my (soon-to-be made-obvious-but-for-now-I-am-hinting-at) point:


When my oldest daughter was 2 or 3, she wanted to help me make quesadillas.  I was at the stove, working the cheese-filled tortilla around the frying pan.  She brought the step-stool over to climb up and get a better angle.  I pointed out, quite clearly, that the pan was hot.  She knew the concept of "hot" because of her experience and warnings around the fireplace and candles.  Still, this was a different kind of hot - it was "cooking food" which had a whole other connotation for her.  


She burned herself on the pan.  

I know; You saw this coming a mile away.  

She asked to try and work the spatula and processed "spatula" instead of "hot pan" and burned her wrist. 


It wasn't a bad burn but when you touch a hot pan it hurts and leaves a mark.  We handled it with cold water and mommy love.  No one freaked out but dealt with the issue at hand.  If I recall, dinner was enjoyable.  Today, she continues to cook and remains curious .


I played football in high school.  We had our rival game against Bonita High.  We had our toughest league competition against Baldwin Park.  But, the game I always looked most forward to was against Charter Oak.  I had a lot of friends that went to COHS.  One, in particular - Nick , played defense for the Chargers.  I played offense and, as fullback to his nose guard, we were going to meet at the line of scrimmage throughout the game.


REMINDER:  I'm independent (possible side effects include willful, stubborn, know-it-all, unlikely to ask for help, generally arrogant, especially as a then 18 year old man-boy).  

I had been aloof with my head coach.  I didn't like his style.  I resented that he only pointed out my mistakes.  He didn't go out of his way to make me feel special (yes, I am cringing at what a douche bag I have been/can be).  What I really sought was a sense that he believed in me.  But I never gave him a chance because I stood aloof and appeared cocky.  

I know this now.  


How do I know this?


He benched me against Charter Oak.


The entire game.


I stood on the sideline and watched our team win (to make matters worse) without me.  I don't remember how Nick played, but play he did.  I don't think I could even look at him (tear-stained, red-faced) after the game was over.  I was embarrassed, frustrated and angry.  


And I had no one to blame but myself.


This is how I know that I have a tendency to be aloof and cocky.  Years of marriage have further proven this with equally embarrassing, frustrating and angry outcomes.


Still, I know it (even if, for everyone else, it might have been obvious all along).  I know it, and at 43, I'm beginning to let go of it and am now "asking for help" instead of "having all the answers".  


And, my daughter understands "hot" even though she still gets burned every so often (metaphorically-speaking).


My point:


You can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE them drink.  


Translation:


You can try and force teens into an appropriate-behavior box, but you can't MAKE them stay there.  This is especially true when we take our eyes off the box.  If we're lucky, they'll push back against us in person (known rebellion) instead of waiting for us to turn our backs before they break out of the box (unknown rebellion).


I'm not saying that we let them do whatever they want, but at 12, 13, 14, 15 , 16 etc.  they have had a lot of time on task in the world.  They have been exposed to many humans that are not their parents (peers, younger kids, older kids, friendly adults, cab drivers, family members).  A lot of this happens at school but a lot of it happens here:

* sleepovers
* taxis rides
* hanging out with friends (on campus after school, downtown, at The Club, at their friend's house, at Universal Studios, Trick-or-Treating, etc.)
* Summer Camps
* in their bedrooms
* on line


Away from our physical presence.  But not necessarily our influence.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH:  Our kids know what's right and wrong when it comes to the big stuff (lying, cheating and stealing).   It's hard to say if they know this because of nature or nurture but they know this.   I believe this statement to be true of all kids based on my faith.  However,  my belief that kids will lie, cheat and steal when they are threatened and don't know how to, otherwise, solve their problem is based on my experience as an educator of 18 years and a parent of 16.   


Q:  So, how does our influence affect our kids when they're not with us?


A1:  If they are trusted and have had many experiences in the world, generally, it goes well.


A2:  If they are not trusted and have been sheltered, generally, not so well.


I also believe that strong, consistent & clear expectations along with trust can have similar influence.  For example, many people do well in the military because they are expected to follow strict protocol with lots of timely feedback and consequences.  It's also repetitive, predictable and extremely accountable which is highly effective.  However, I can't provide this strict an environment for my kids.  Frankly, I don't think it's developmentally appropriate but, regardless, I am incapable of managing a family in this manner.  


Plus, expectations would seem to be largely contextual (in this house you will... etc.) as compared to trust which is universal in it's application (anywhere, any time, with anyone, etc.).

There's another layer here as well and it ties into passion a bit.  Specifically, what kind of experiences have my kids had that are also broad learning opportunities.  In other words,  the experiences run the gamut from unstructured (largely self-monitored/ not directly supervised)  to highly-structured (clear expectations/ directly supervised)?


Structured:


School (classrooms)
Organized Sports
Organized Arts
Organized Clubs
Summer Camps

In the Middle:


School (playground, halls, cafeteria, bus, etc.)
Friends' Homes with Parent Present
Social Clubs
Mall
Public Transportation


Unstructured:


Friends' Homes with Parent Absent
Streets
School Campus After Hours
Hawker Stalls/Restaurants/Clubs
On Line (maybe there's some control at home and at school but not everywhere)


These are just my kids' stomping grounds.  The possibilities are endless.


Q:  How is this related to trust and passion?

A:  Because if I over-manage any of these now  (at almost 16, 14 and even at 10) there is a good chance I am going to erode the opportunity for passion and trust.

Teenagers are wired to take risks.  I'd prefer if these risks were mitigated by manifesting  themselves on the soccer field, on stage, in a studio or at a sleep-away camp.  The emotional risks taken are rewarded with comfort-zone stretching confidence.  


But, they're still going to go to sleepovers, The Club and clubs.  They're going to be exposed to sex, drugs and rock & roll (real and virtual).  They're going to have people tell them awful things about human sexuality which can be validated with a Google search (Want to have a literary freak show experience? ).  

What do the following things have in common?

* Being offered a beer
* First kiss
* First kiss with tongue
* Being ditched by friends
* Making a new friend

They will (in all likelihood ) not happen in our presence.  If we're lucky (and have built trust and not compliance) they'll tell us about it.  Furthermore, if they've had loads of other life experiences that have taught them confidence and real consequences from other humans then they should be better able to handle them in relative stride.

My kids, largely, don't do what I want them to do.  And, I'm glad (whenever my ego lets up) because they're often doing what they need to do.  It's not perfect.  My oldest is dealing with her first real break up, my second is 99.9% spitefully negative when it comes to 99.9% of her life and my third is mostly idle after stopping her gymnastics training after 8 years (from age 2).  


But, I am grateful that my oldest has a high level of dance activity, a few friends and a desire to go big after HS to help her ride out the lovesick blues.  It doesn't take them away, but like the cold water on a burn, it takes away the sting for awhile.


I am also grateful for a rigorous athletic program in an otherwise overly-academic school.

SOAPBOX:  Don't get me started on the ridiculous amounts of after school academic work kids have to manage in addition to their 7 hour school day in order to participate in extracurricular/lifelong learning activities.  It seems to me that the world needs people that can work in groups to problem solve and make the (increasingly complex) world a better place as opposed to working in isolation on predetermined-outcome tasks.  


Without a long history of participation in athletics my middle kid would be 100% negative 100% of the time.


Finally, in spite of my 10 year old's divorce from gymnastics, there is a silver lining.  She still has the training (flexibility, balance, mental toughness) of a gymnast and that will help her in her next activity and beyond.  Furthermore, she trusts my wife and I because we listened and supported her when she asked to stop doing gymnastics.  We tried, initially, to make her stick it out, but trusted her to stop when she said "enough".  She has more time for friends, sleepovers, online, softball and family.  All good stuff and all her choice with our support and trust.


Look, perhaps I make my 10 year old's story sound like rainbows and unicorns.  But, she benefits from all the mistakes we made with her two sisters.  Honestly, I think my ten year old trusts us and herself more as a result.  

Fine, but I wanted her to be a gymnast at the next level (college, etc.).  I think she had a chance (slim, admittedly).  But the fact is, it wasn't her dream, it was kinda mine.  Now, I have to change my focus from gymnastics to supporting her with friends, softball and with her online life.  

The other two are being trusted and supported more as well.  We are shifting as a family that judges to one that is looking to understand and support through trust.  It's a process. 


The takeaway:


We should've had more kids!


Kidding.  We have learned to trust instead of scrutinize and control... 

...Even when life happens as big kids.  

But, especially when they're little.

After all, humans have been raising kids for a long time.


And they always grow up and live their lives one way or another.



















































 

Burning For You

I've recently had a bunch of conversations around "raising adolescents".  It's partly because I live it on a daily basis (3 daughters ages almost 16, 14 and 10).  There's also my role as advocate and teacher for another 50+ middle school students.  These two roles keep me, well, stuck in the middle.  It's what is on my mind most of my waking hours (and, increasingly, in the 9 minute intervals of "snooze" mode). 


As a result, I am quite often engaged in thoughtful, rich and spirited conversations about teens & preteens (edad del burro, my mom says).  I talk to parents stinking of Teen Spirit, parents of children on the verge of crossing the River Styx (from elementary school to middle school) and those that are trying to stay focused on their child's baby steps (literally) while worrying about where these steps will take them in the future (figuratively).  These conversations happen on campus, on the phone and at costume parties (picture me as an over sized Austin Powers or as Frankenstein).  The point is, parents need & want to talk about this stuff. And I luuuuv talking about it; anytime, anywhere with anyone. 

What does this say about them?  

Folks raising kids today are generally & genuinely anxious.  The anxiety comes, in part, from (over)exposure to information.  Furthermore, this info can be erroneously-focused by typing emotionally-chosen words into Google.  Don't get me wrong, the internet is great. But it can be the entire Pacific Ocean when what you really need is salt for your margarita.  Furthermore, once one opens Pandora's Box does a Google search for one thing, it's quite possible that it will lead to another.  

Adding to this anxiety (or choose from the list below)...

(THESAURUS ALERT!)

all-overs, angst, ants in pants, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, care, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, doubt, downer, drag, dread, fidgets, flap, foreboding, fretfulness, fuss, goose bumps, heebie-jeebies, jitters, jumps, misery, misgiving, mistrust, nail-biting, needles, nervousness, panic, pins and needles, restlessness, shakes, shivers, solicitude, suffering, suspense, sweat, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness, watchfulness, willies, worriment

...is the playground talk.  






So, it's safe to say that parents spend a lot of time thinking  about their kids and want/need to talk about/figure out what to do, etc.


Me too.


I love it!  I read a lot of stuff on human nature.  This includes brain stuff, human interest stuff, economics stuff, kid stuff, marriage stuff, sports stuff, education & learning stuff.  I engage people in conversation about this every chance I get.  I am now writing about this stuff.  It goes way beyond my job at school and at home.  It's my passion.  


My passion for all things human nature colors all of my interactions.  As it turns out, it always has.  Clearly, my time on task in education (18 years) and as a dad (almost 16 years) has drawn this out further; but it's always been there.

Part of this is genetic.  My mom is a retired teacher.  My dad is a scientist (in the food industry).  They are both still interested in my life and are caring & supportive grandparents.  The career and familial choices I have made are, therefore, somewhat prescribed.


But the choices I have made in these streams (career in education and family man) are mine.  My choice of mate has further influenced my choices around the where, when, how, who and why of my life.  My career choice in education has exposed me to people, places and ideas that share a common focus - kids.  Finally, my role as "dad" has given me a perspective that keeps me in many worlds at once.  I get to see my kids through the eyes of a teacher, a man who was once almost 16, 14 and 10, the mate of their mom, etc. etc. etc.  

As David Byrne (of the Talking Heads) asked himself, 


"Well, how did I get here?"


Genetics and Passion.

It's a hypothesis.  I do this a lot.  At the risk of bugging people, I ask a lot of questions.  I ask questions to get to know people; to try and understand why people do what they do. I'm so curious that I don't care if I'm initially bugging people or that I'm dressed like Frankenstein at the moment.

Really, I can't help it.  I can't help but think about "raising adolescents".  With my genetic predisposition I have found myself in a particular life's stream.  In this stream I have found passion for what I do and what I wonder about. This passion has led me to finally write publicly, in spite of other genetic predispositions: procrastination and perfectionism.  It's the thing that's kept me in the same profession for 18 years and that keeps me coming home when I know someone (at least one) is going to be in a grumpy mood.  


HEAR THIS:  I am independent.  I am stubborn, skeptical and opinionated.  I can't (easily) follow directions that I don't agree with.  I'll always try to find a way around them.  My point:  It's significant that I still luuuuv my career path and my family.  It goes way beyond duty; it's passion.



At the risk of getting a little metaphysical, I believe my passion is allowing me to recognize the signs in my daily life that connect and prompt me to "go big".  It hasn't always been this way and it won't always burn hot.  I have had doubts.  I have had other realities distract me from my passion.  But, it's always there in my core.  Moreover, as I look back I can recognize the times when I was not feeling inspired but was still gathering momentum for the work I'm doing today.


And, I think this is true for all of us.  We can't escape our genetics but I think the same is true for our passions.  Discovering what those passions are may dictate the type of life we lead, the kind of differences we make in other people's lives and the level of purpose and joy we find in our efforts.
 

I'd like to invite you to engage me in an ongoing conversation around the following "raising adolescents" hypothesis:

Our most important job * as adult advocates (parent, guardian, teacher, counselor, etc.) is to stop fighting genetics and guide our charges (child, student, etc.) toward finding their passion.  Everything else will fall into place as a result.  

Seriously, what do you think?  What are your personal experiences around this as a parent, teacher, as a human being? 

It's an idea that I can develop more quickly and completely with your thoughts.

I look forward to the dialogue.

* Let me make the assumption that our fundamental role as adult advocates is to protect our charges; Let's not debate this assumption.