My kids spend time away from me from time-to-time. I know, huge statement, right?
But, some "away" time is more challenging for me (as a parent) than others.
An example of non-challenging is from 8am to 3pm most Monday through Fridays; I can take for granted that they're relatively safe in a structured and supervised environment.
Whereas, it takes a lot more faith to let my, then, fifteen year old daughter go to the Prom.
With her boyfriend.
An eighteen year old HS Senior man-boy.
More on this later/ polishes barrel of shotgun on the porch.
But, there are a lot more in-between moments. Examples:
* sleepovers
* taxis rides
* hanging out with friends (on campus after school, downtown, at The Club, at their friend's house, at Universal Studios, Trick-or-Treating, etc.)
* Summer Camps
* in their bedrooms
* on line
Letting my kids do these things outside of my view requires a leap of faith, so to speak. I don't easily buy into the paranoia around child abduction, molestation and the threat of alien abduction although I know they are real .
Furthermore, I promise you, my kids don't have a spotless record (nor do I). They've made choices that helped them figure out the way the world works but didn't go so well at the time. The world has a way of redirecting even the most stubborn of us. I talked about the troubles my, then, sixth grader got into in a previous post. It was hell for all of us at the time. But we all learned lasting lessons from that experience and they influence my parenting today as a result (hopefully, for the better although I won't know until they're parents themselves). That daughter is still struggling to figure it out. I'd love to help, but she needs to struggle through this. I don't say this as some parenting philosophy point; she flat out won't let me help her. I am doing my best to have faith in her process and where it will take her.
A couple of stories to illustrate my (soon-to-be made-obvious-but-for-now-I-am-hinting-at) point:
When my oldest daughter was 2 or 3, she wanted to help me make quesadillas. I was at the stove, working the cheese-filled tortilla around the frying pan. She brought the step-stool over to climb up and get a better angle. I pointed out, quite clearly, that the pan was hot. She knew the concept of "hot" because of her experience and warnings around the fireplace and candles. Still, this was a different kind of hot - it was "cooking food" which had a whole other connotation for her.
She burned herself on the pan.
I know; You saw this coming a mile away.
She asked to try and work the spatula and processed "spatula" instead of "hot pan" and burned her wrist.
It wasn't a bad burn but when you touch a hot pan it hurts and leaves a mark. We handled it with cold water and mommy love. No one freaked out but dealt with the issue at hand. If I recall, dinner was enjoyable. Today, she continues to cook and remains curious .
I played football in high school. We had our rival game against Bonita High. We had our toughest league competition against Baldwin Park. But, the game I always looked most forward to was against Charter Oak. I had a lot of friends that went to COHS. One, in particular - Nick , played defense for the Chargers. I played offense and, as fullback to his nose guard, we were going to meet at the line of scrimmage throughout the game.
REMINDER: I'm independent (possible side effects include willful, stubborn, know-it-all, unlikely to ask for help, generally arrogant, especially as a then 18 year old man-boy).
I had been aloof with my head coach. I didn't like his style. I resented that he only pointed out my mistakes. He didn't go out of his way to make me feel special (yes, I am cringing at what a douche bag I have been/can be). What I really sought was a sense that he believed in me. But I never gave him a chance because I stood aloof and appeared cocky.
I know this now.
How do I know this?
He benched me against Charter Oak.
The entire game.
I stood on the sideline and watched our team win (to make matters worse) without me. I don't remember how Nick played, but play he did. I don't think I could even look at him (tear-stained, red-faced) after the game was over. I was embarrassed, frustrated and angry.
And I had no one to blame but myself.
This is how I know that I have a tendency to be aloof and cocky. Years of marriage have further proven this with equally embarrassing, frustrating and angry outcomes.
Still, I know it (even if, for everyone else, it might have been obvious all along). I know it, and at 43, I'm beginning to let go of it and am now "asking for help" instead of "having all the answers".
And, my daughter understands "hot" even though she still gets burned every so often (metaphorically-speaking).
My point:
You can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE them drink.
Translation:
You can try and force teens into an appropriate-behavior box, but you can't MAKE them stay there. This is especially true when we take our eyes off the box. If we're lucky, they'll push back against us in person (known rebellion) instead of waiting for us to turn our backs before they break out of the box (unknown rebellion).
I'm not saying that we let them do whatever they want, but at 12, 13, 14, 15 , 16 etc. they have had a lot of time on task in the world. They have been exposed to many humans that are not their parents (peers, younger kids, older kids, friendly adults, cab drivers, family members). A lot of this happens at school but a lot of it happens here:
* sleepovers
* taxis rides
* hanging out with friends (on campus after school, downtown, at The Club, at their friend's house, at Universal Studios, Trick-or-Treating, etc.)
* Summer Camps
* in their bedrooms
* on line
Away from our physical presence. But not necessarily our influence.
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH: Our kids know what's right and wrong when it comes to the big stuff (lying, cheating and stealing). It's hard to say if they know this because of nature or nurture but they know this. I believe this statement to be true of all kids based on my faith. However, my belief that kids will lie, cheat and steal when they are threatened and don't know how to, otherwise, solve their problem is based on my experience as an educator of 18 years and a parent of 16.
Q: So, how does our influence affect our kids when they're not with us?
A1: If they are trusted and have had many experiences in the world, generally, it goes well.
A2: If they are not trusted and have been sheltered, generally, not so well.
I also believe that strong, consistent & clear expectations along with trust can have similar influence. For example, many people do well in the military because they are expected to follow strict protocol with lots of timely feedback and consequences. It's also repetitive, predictable and extremely accountable which is highly effective. However, I can't provide this strict an environment for my kids. Frankly, I don't think it's developmentally appropriate but, regardless, I am incapable of managing a family in this manner.
Plus, expectations would seem to be largely contextual (in this house you will... etc.) as compared to trust which is universal in it's application (anywhere, any time, with anyone, etc.).
There's another layer here as well and it ties into passion a bit. Specifically, what kind of experiences have my kids had that are also broad learning opportunities. In other words, the experiences run the gamut from unstructured (largely self-monitored/ not directly supervised) to highly-structured (clear expectations/ directly supervised)?
Structured:
School (classrooms)
Organized Sports
Organized Arts
Organized Clubs
Summer Camps
In the Middle:
School (playground, halls, cafeteria, bus, etc.)
Friends' Homes with Parent Present
Social Clubs
Mall
Public Transportation
Unstructured:
Friends' Homes with Parent Absent
Streets
School Campus After Hours
Hawker Stalls/Restaurants/Clubs
On Line (maybe there's some control at home and at school but not everywhere)
These are just my kids' stomping grounds. The possibilities are endless.
Q: How is this related to trust and passion?
A: Because if I over-manage any of these now (at almost 16, 14 and even at 10) there is a good chance I am going to erode the opportunity for passion and trust.
Teenagers are wired to take risks. I'd prefer if these risks were mitigated by manifesting themselves on the soccer field, on stage, in a studio or at a sleep-away camp. The emotional risks taken are rewarded with comfort-zone stretching confidence.
But, they're still going to go to sleepovers, The Club and clubs. They're going to be exposed to sex, drugs and rock & roll (real and virtual). They're going to have people tell them awful things about human sexuality which can be validated with a Google search (Want to have a literary freak show experience? ).
What do the following things have in common?
* Being offered a beer
* First kiss
* First kiss with tongue
* Being ditched by friends
* Making a new friend
They will (in all likelihood ) not happen in our presence. If we're lucky (and have built trust and not compliance) they'll tell us about it. Furthermore, if they've had loads of other life experiences that have taught them confidence and real consequences from other humans then they should be better able to handle them in relative stride.
My kids, largely, don't do what I want them to do. And, I'm glad (whenever my ego lets up) because they're often doing what they need to do. It's not perfect. My oldest is dealing with her first real break up, my second is 99.9% spitefully negative when it comes to 99.9% of her life and my third is mostly idle after stopping her gymnastics training after 8 years (from age 2).
But, I am grateful that my oldest has a high level of dance activity, a few friends and a desire to go big after HS to help her ride out the lovesick blues. It doesn't take them away, but like the cold water on a burn, it takes away the sting for awhile.
I am also grateful for a rigorous athletic program in an otherwise overly-academic school.
SOAPBOX: Don't get me started on the ridiculous amounts of after school academic work kids have to manage in addition to their 7 hour school day in order to participate in extracurricular/lifelong learning activities. It seems to me that the world needs people that can work in groups to problem solve and make the (increasingly complex) world a better place as opposed to working in isolation on predetermined-outcome tasks.
Without a long history of participation in athletics my middle kid would be 100% negative 100% of the time.
Finally, in spite of my 10 year old's divorce from gymnastics, there is a silver lining. She still has the training (flexibility, balance, mental toughness) of a gymnast and that will help her in her next activity and beyond. Furthermore, she trusts my wife and I because we listened and supported her when she asked to stop doing gymnastics. We tried, initially, to make her stick it out, but trusted her to stop when she said "enough". She has more time for friends, sleepovers, online, softball and family. All good stuff and all her choice with our support and trust.
Look, perhaps I make my 10 year old's story sound like rainbows and unicorns. But, she benefits from all the mistakes we made with her two sisters. Honestly, I think my ten year old trusts us and herself more as a result.
Fine, but I wanted her to be a gymnast at the next level (college, etc.). I think she had a chance (slim, admittedly). But the fact is, it wasn't her dream, it was kinda mine. Now, I have to change my focus from gymnastics to supporting her with friends, softball and with her online life.
The other two are being trusted and supported more as well. We are shifting as a family that judges to one that is looking to understand and support through trust. It's a process.
The takeaway:
We should've had more kids!
Kidding. We have learned to trust instead of scrutinize and control...
...Even when life happens as big kids.
But, especially when they're little.
After all, humans have been raising kids for a long time.
And they always grow up and live their lives one way or another.
No comments:
Post a Comment