The new school year is looming. I've learned a lot this Summer. It's important to to take time to reflect, take in the world and, in doing so, letting the head take a break and let the heart have a voice.
From Paulo Coelho's, Like the Flowing River
A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point, he asked:
'Are you writing a story about what we've done? Is it a story about me?'
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson"
'I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I'm using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.'
Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn't seem very special.
'But it's just like any other pencil I've seen!'
'That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on to them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.
'First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and he always guides us according to His will.
'Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he's much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.
'Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.
'Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.
'Finally, the pencil's fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. In just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action.'"
I came across this story while doing some "heart" work. I'm discovering that it's long overdue. Two of our daughters will graduate from high school and the third will be a 9th grader in the next two years. We've been overseas for 12 years, married for 19 and this is my 20th year of teaching coming up.
These are quantitative and qualitative realities. Numbers-wise, the days are . What does a high school grad do these days in an age of infinite opportunities and choices? College, gap year, join the circus? And, what does a parent do to help their child choose, consciously striving to strike the balance of support and empowerment?
As a parent, I have used my "head" almost exclusively to influence my parenting in the past. I intellectualized every scenario. In fact, I have discovered that I had been doing this in a ll my relationships. I learned a lot. Unfortunately, the learning was more of a "layer" than a base. I have written in the past about 'being right never feeling so wrong' as a parent. I intellectualized this as well. I knew it, but it was superficial, head knowledge. It wasn't heartfelt, operational understanding. Semantics aside, my "head" got it and did the heavy lifting while my "heart"was idle and disengaged.
I let my thinking do much fighting. I sparred, manipulated, rationalized, justified, judged, dismissed and disengaged using my "head". I couldn't lose because I kept changing the angles, bobbing and weaving.
I couldn't lose...
"Those who were never defeated seem happy and superior, masters of a truth they never had to lift a finger to achieve, they are always on the side of the strong. They're like hyenas, who only eat the leavings of lions...
...In the silence of the night, they fight their imaginary battles; their unrealized dreams, the injustices to which they turned a blind eye, the moments of cowardice they managed to conceal from other people - but not from themselves...
...And they promise themselves, 'tomorrow will be different'
But tomorrow comes and the paralyzing question surfaces in their mind,
'What if it doesn't work out?'
And they do nothing.
Woe to those who were never beaten! They will never be winners in this life."
- Paulo Coehlo
A little melodramatic, perhaps, but right on the mark in terms of the broader message,
Life is hard. It's messy and there are no guarantees. The only way to proceed is with vulnerability, courage and faith - with an open heart.
I have, on a daily basis, been engaging in the practices that are heart-led and its given me patience and humility - two attributes no one would have used to describe me previously.
My relationships are easier and more meaningful. It just "feels" right (as opposed to "being" right).
I had begun the last school year with two goals:
1. Get in front of groups of people and share your knowledge and experiences as a parent and teacher.
2. Get my ass kicked
I was ready for a change and knew that what I was doing wasn't working in my life but needed to take action and give up control at the same time. The presentations (3!) all went well and taught me much about the work I do and its relevance and importance to myself and others.
The ass-kicking? I got it. I never saw it coming and it was delivered by a most worthy fighter.
My goals for this milestone year:
A commitment to staying present and letting my heart engage the head
This quote from Viktor Frankl describes where I am in my journey as a parent (and as a spouse, colleague, friend, etc.), as a human being:
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
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