That One Time I Lost My Job Because of My Kid (Again)

I no longer have a job...

I am unattached, unaffiliated and untethered.

And, it's my daughter's fault.

She's a Runner, you see.  She's been called Filly and she's been called Race Horse.  She loves to run.

And I love to watch her run.

She's run in La Paz, Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, Taipei and Singapore.

Now she wants to run in L.A.

The Filly's (slightly) older sister is a Dancer.  Understand that I am not pigeonholing these young women when I distill their essence down to Runner and Dancer.  These are their passions.  These are the worlds in which they find the most meaning and learn the best lessons at the moment.

These deep and meaningful lessons are the results (effects) of a lifetime of choices (causes).  It began with a commitment of time and some curiosity and followed an arc of interest, commitment, training, meaning, purpose, talent, confidence and has given them a sense of their place in the world.  

So, at this point, the Runner wants / needs to be in L.A.

Why an L.A. State of Mind?

<Cynical pragmatism alert>

For every "love at first sight" and "you just know when you meet the one" love story there is a Match.com commercial and a divorce stat. 

Q:  So how does the Runner know she wants / needs to be in L.A.?

A:  Good Question...

Almost 2 years ago the Runner spent a semester in L.A.  At the time there was a lot of friction in our family.  We were each trying to find our place in the world.  Living overseas was still affording us opportunities but that was about all we could afford.  We remained committed to the girls and the belief that their interests and passions were worthy investments in their present and future lives.  This commitment was at odds, however, with our bottom line.  This financial "static" was constant background noise compounding the ringing in our ears from the screams of growing pains going on in our household (a story for another time).

In spite of the myriad opportunities to try and train in a variety of sports and activities, the Runner had never really bought in to life in Singapore.  We were convinced, however, that she was just being willful - a spoiled brat making life difficult for her parents.

In hindsight, we weren't wrong.  She was acting out.  But what we've learned since those tumultuous times is that she also knew something about herself and was trying to tell us something that we just weren't hearing.

It was an impassioned plea to take a much-needed break from the family and life in Singapore.  All we heard, however,  were whiny, desperate attempts to run away from her problems.  

But you know what it really was?  It was a kid who knew herself and was self-advocating,  asking for what she needed - a break and a chance to reinvent herself away from the judgment of her peers and her family.  

Again, we know this now.  

For a long time we couldn't begin to understand how we could, possibly, split up the family by letting her go.

But we did.

We hugged her goodbye one August morning,  got on a plane, flew 8,000 miles away and left her in L.A...

... to live with a family that was not our family (which we only knew in a kinda-sorta way)

... to go to a large US public school (when all she'd known were private international schools where everyone knows your name and who your parents & sisters are)

... to test her mettle and grit and ability to make it work...

... because we couldn't convince her otherwise

... because we weren't sure what else to do

... because we had a nagging suspicion that this was the right thing to do

... because we had raised her to use her words and to try and solve her own problems and 

... because she was willing to own the decision

And ownership is a (the?) key component of learning.  And learning is a natural, authentic, deeply-resonant and individual process that has meaning and purpose.

She was ready and willing to learn.

So were we.

 We owned the support and worked hard to understand.  It wasn't easy.  I took it very personal and I admit now that I disconnected emotionally from her (from the family).  It felt like a parental failure, a personal failure to not be able to provide the answers to the Runner's questions.

But, it was the right thing to do.  It wasn't about me as a parent or as the guy with the answers.  

Empathy how I love thee and your ability to kick my ass!

The Runner ran and trained and learned.  She learned about herself.  She learned about personal responsibility.  She learned to fend for herself because unconditional help was a long way away.  She learned who to trust and who to avoid and how to trust and avoid. 

It was significant.

She learned, first hand that when a door closes there is an open window somewhere nearby.

She learned what it felt like to have the soccer coach cut her from the team in the morning only to have that same coach personally introduce her to the track coach in the afternoon.

"You want to know this kid, she can run." the soccer coach said to the track coach.

And for the next 4 months, the Runner ran and trained and bonded and found another "family" in the track community.  She even learned to let go of the disappointment from getting cut from a sport she had been playing since she could walk.

And, we had very little to do with any of it.
 Doors and Windows

The Runner eventually came "home" for the holidays.  It was supposed to be a "visit".   Two weeks of "visit" was interrupted two days in when the Runner proclaimed that she wanted to stay...

... with us

... in Singapore

 

And it was her call. We had already resigned ourselves to the fact that she would spend her entire sophomore year in L.A.  

She owned the decision to go and she owned the decision to come back.  

We owned the knowledge that she was a different person.  She had evolved & grown as an individual. 

The Runner ran track in Singapore and had a successful season.  The Runner came back in her junior year and ran some more - as a cross country athlete (not soccer).  

It's now track season here in the tropics.  The Runner is, once again, running and training and making the most of her passions and talents.

And she owns all of it.  Our learning is around trust and support.  We no longer fight to understand her.  We accept and allow her to lead us into understanding.  She is a tremendous spirit and has much to teach.

So, when she asked to go back to that large public high school & run track & be a California kid in her senior year, we had a decision to make.  We had a reality to face.

Is it time (for each of us) to leave?

- for the graduating Dancer on her way to a gap year?

- for the hard-working mother of three that has doggedly and courageously reinvented herself in three different industries (Education, Insurance and Real Estate) in 8 years?

- for the even-keeled yet passionate 12 year old that has established a stable foothold in the shifting sands of middle school girldom?

- for the square peg thinker in a round hole industry?

The Runner, the rising senior, the emotional barometer of our family, the first domino to fall is ready to go. 

It turns out, we are ready.  A little over 9 years ago we were ready to leave Bolivia and try "what's next".  We gave up our jobs in November with the no-guarantee opportunity to leverage our skills, personalities and ambition as we searched for our next jobs.  We did it because we thought it was time for each of us to grow. 

This is how we ended up in Singapore.

And, as I let go of my job (again) I am reinvigorated by the possibilities and opportunities.  We all are.

And it's my daughter's fault.

Thanks, Filly!