Hide Then Seek (and Along the Way, "Just Don't be an A-Hole")

Seek and Destroy

I, once, was a member of a security detail at a Metallica show.

It was awesome.

"We are scanning the scene

in the city tonight
We are looking for you
to start up a fight
There is an evil feeling
in our brains
But it is nothing new
you know it drives us insane"

- Metallica's Seek and Destroy

I'm no longer looking for a fight and I don't have an evil feeling in my brain...

... not very often, anyway.

I wrote this down the other day to quell the evil demons urging me to judge & compete and be mean & petty:

"Writing is courageous; brave.  Bitching and playing games is small.

Be brave and continue expecting good things to happen, making things happen and, generally, being the best person you can be."

In my past relationship, I judged & dismissed and, as a result, danced around issues & avoided stepping up.  

I used to LOOK for things to criticize and write off as 'not good enough'.

What I was really doing was being a coward, an armchair quarterback watching others "do" while I assessed their efforts.  They were never "good" enough. 

I was an A-Hole. 

And, when I got scared I pushed and pushed 

and pushed again.  

It was awful.

I was an A-Hole.

I was not empathetic, patient or very accepting.  

I had become a small, small man.

I was an A-Hole.

And then, one day, the bottom fell out and I had no foundation to keep me from hitting the ground - hard.  I had built a house of hallmarks on a baseless, loose framework of lofty ideals & untested theories and it all came crashing down on me - hard.

And it hurt.   

And it was my fault because I was hiding (from my 'Good Work') in plain sight.

Hide and Seek 

In retrospect, I had tried, over and over, to play the game and the role but, eventually, I was just playing the fool.

"The fool who loves giving advice on our garden never tends his own plants at all."

- Paolo  Coelho

So, I began "pulling weeds" and asking 'Good Questions'.  At first, the questions were desperate:

who?!

where?!

when?!

how often?!

and, most crushingly, why?!

And, the answer was always "Vulnerability".

"I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  Vulnerability is not good or bad.  It's not dark or light.  It is the core of all emotions and feelings.  To feel is to be vulnerable."

-Brene Brown

I was on a journey and Vulnerability became my first companion.   

She introduced me to Patience and Acceptance.  These two challenged me tremendously.  I kept wanting to hide from them, avoid them.  

I even tried inviting Perfectionism, a longtime travelling companion of mine, to join us on the trek. After all, he always bullied me so he must be tough...  

...they were incompatible.  

Patience and Acceptance waited out Perfectionism and all its antics and tantrums and, eventually, Perfectionism gave in and became Self-Compassion.  

A huge step in my Learning.

I began to walk with Patience and Acceptance in a new way.  I no longer followed their lead.  I was now giving myself permission to choose my own path (I was no longer looking over my shoulder and needing someone else's permission).  This was a healthy shift from desperation, reluctant compliance and foolish bravado.

That's when I met Authenticity.  

Patience and Acceptance are like Zen monks.  Quiet, steadfast & gentle.

Authenticity was the 1 - 2  -3 punch of Chuck Norris, Samuel L. Jackson and Tyler Durden kicking my ass 14 different ways and then chastising me for it:  

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."


"My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass."

"Hey, you created me.  I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better.  Take some responsibility!"

Authenticity used all its Flying Monkeys to subdue me:  

Empathy, Meaning, Purpose, Reflection and even My Own Strengths.  

 I hadn't really considered others' perspectives in an empathetic way before.  In the past, I would either be selfish in my motivation when I "listened" to another or, worse,  impatient and uninspired & dutiful.  As a result, I had lost many an opportunity to learn  - to find meaning and purpose in my interactions.  Even Reflection, something that came naturally to me had become distorted.  It looked more like contempt in its de-evolution.

It took me a long time to unpack My Own Strengths.  I knew them, of course.  

Even my 9 year old (at the time) had me pegged,

"You're like a sponge, Daddy.  You notice everything, absorb it and keep it for just the right moment."  

Observation and Awareness were definitely companions on my journey.  They were always there.  

But, now, so were Patience, Acceptance and Authenticity.  I was learning to give myself permission to be great (honoring my natural and learned talents).  

Furthermore, I was leveraging them with Purpose and Meaning...

...I was Learning.

I was a little bloodied and bruised (ownership) and a lot more authentic (the gift of ownership). 

I was Learning.

And, it was about time.

Seek and Divorce

I've written before about divorce.  It was the beginning of something significant in my Learning as I help others Learn.  

At the time, I had Learned enough to understand what was and what could be in my life.  That declaration led to a lot of thinking and doing since then.  

Today, I am stepping up with enthusiasm instead of desperation; intelligence and not arrogance; I focus on my 'Good Work' and not the judgment of others'...

...for the most part...

...And, when I do feel like judging another's work or way of being, I no longer justify it.  

I invite that demon to dance.  

I used to dance around an issue.  

Then, I Danced in the Opposite Direction. 

Now, I dance with that devil.

Now I dance with Fear.

From an interview with Seth Godin at Brainpickings.com:

"On how what to do, as creative people, when our amphibian brain begins to whisper into our mind’s ear every possible disaster scenario and assuring us of our prospective failure:

'That is what we do for a living — we dance with the Resistance, we don’t make it go away. You cannot make it go away — you cannot make the voice go away, you cannot make the fear go away, because it’s built in. What you can do is when it shows up, you say “Welcome! I’m glad you’re here. Let’s dance about this.”

What we need to do is say, 'What’s the smallest, tiniest thing that I can master and what’s the scariest thing I can do in front of the smallest number of people that can teach me how to dance with the fear?” Once we get good at that, we just realize that it’s not fatal. And it’s not intellectually realize — we’ve lived something that wasn’t fatal. And that idea is what’s so key — because then you can do it a little bit more.'"

Bloodied and Bruised and Healing...

...More Authentic, Patient and Accepting...

No more theory.  I'm doing the work everyday utilizing what I've Learned along the way.  The pain is there right along with the joy.  I'm not numbing the pain because I've Learned that if I numb the pain I numb the joy.  So,  I'm Learning to feel all of it. 

I now possess the courage to walk with Vulnerability on my path and it's a very beneficial friend to have.  I am more creative and innovative and my 'Good Work' is better.

Much, much better. 

I am also engaging & interacting with 'Good People' and appreciate their honest struggles with their own pain and am celebrating their joy as they take responsibility in the acceptance of their own 'Good Work'.

We're all Learning.

I know I've got a lot still to Learn.  

And, I accept this with self-compassion and patience.

I also know I've got a lot to offer.

And, I honor this with courage and vulnerability.

Stay tuned (start now by "following by email" in the column to the right - thanks!) as I continue this journey.  You might just Learn something, too.

Oh, and I promise to (try to) not be an A-Hole along the way...

"Rock On!"

- Wayne's World